Posted: Mar 9, 2020
**Guest post written by Charming Disaster, a goth-folk duo based in Brooklyn, NY.
"Over the past few years of touring the U.S., we’ve learned a thing or two about maintaining the fabulous lifestyle to which we’re accustomed even while we’re on the road, and we wanted to share some of our time-tested tips with other indie artists.
When you’re traveling from town to town in your car, hearse, or parents’ minivan, it’s easy to fall prey to bad habits and existential despair. Adding a touch of class to your tour routine is a great way to stay healthy, boost morale, and maintain your delusions of grandeur.
Don’t you wish there were healthier alternatives to the greasy spoons and fast food joints you find along the nation’s highways? A trip to the grocery store makes it possible to create your own gourmet meals¹ --in the car! You’ll need to pack a cooler², a cutting surface³, and a sharp knife⁴. The rest is up to you.
²Avoid Styrofoam coolers--the unbearable squeaking will drive you mad.
³Good: a cutting board precariously balanced on your lap. Better: a padded lap desk. Bad: a vinyl record.
⁴Can also be used for whittling (not recommended).
⁵To be fair, some of them were technically seeds.
⁶In the end they will all ripen at the same time anyway. Good luck!
⁷For a little while, anyway.
⁸Be ready to catch them when you take a hard left and they roll under the seats.
⁹Yes, everything in the cooler will smell like tapenade.
Your car is basically a greenhouse on wheels, so why not exercise your green thumb to improve your quality of life on tour? Start simple, and work your way up to a full-fledged car garden.
¹⁰From roadside wildflowers, to stolen graveside offerings, to curtain call bouquets.
¹¹Avocado pits take 6-8 weeks to sprout. Best for long tours.
Your sense of smell is the key to unlocking your emotions. Unfortunately, the fragrances found in most tour vehicles don’t unlock the emotions you want to feel. Luckily, you have the power to change this:
¹²Once but no longer believed to guard against infection (but hey, couldn’t hurt).
¹³Not recommended while car is moving.
¹⁴Remember: after sandwiches.
¹⁵If you run out of sheet masks, you can apply some of that ripe avocado.
Finally, thoughtful decor is a great way to boost morale. Touring in the fall? Look for miniature pumpkins¹⁶ and decorative dried corn. Did someone gift you a creepy doll or magical crystal? Create a dashboard diorama or hang it from the rearview mirror¹⁷. The possibilities are endless.
You might think that tour life means resigning yourself to discomfort and unpleasantness, but as you can see, there’s no need to sacrifice elegance or good taste – remember, self-care is not a luxury. Happy touring!"
¹⁶Ideally wider than they are tall, otherwise they tend to roll when you take that hard left.
¹⁷Do not hang crystals from the mirror, as this could start a fire.
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